WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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