So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
