Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think my fart just growled at me.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
