why didn't you poke me back
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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