just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
