It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
