Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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