I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
