why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
