Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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