I wish I could teleport
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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