neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you didnt know i had herpes?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
