I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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