well most of my day revolves around power hour
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
