mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
