This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
