I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize