I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
