when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
