just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
