hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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