I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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