Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
