she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
