Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
