woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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