her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
