I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize