He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
