I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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