I will die if light touches me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
