Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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