He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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