I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
