And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
