My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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