What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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