I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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