i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Apparently you make a good broom.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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