This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
