New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
