I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Life without a bra equals bliss.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
