And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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