1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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