12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
