Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
