ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
