my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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