we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
