I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
whose parrot is this?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
