Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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