how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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