It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
