I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
