If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
