I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
After tacos, we're chasing women.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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