Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
