New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
