If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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