I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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