A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
