Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
