My brain says no but my pants say off.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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