I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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