If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i've created a new STD.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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