So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
