so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
