I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
