please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
