Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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