yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
