I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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