Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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