he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
only you would photoshop your dick
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
