I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
