No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
