I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
