i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
