Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
